pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
