and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He shit in the fireplace
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
