Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
