I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
