Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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