im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
