My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
