he was CRYING into my vagina
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
