what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
