i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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