Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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