I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
