guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
