They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
