I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
