i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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