Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
