I am puke
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
