Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
