Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
