Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
