bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
