what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Two words: nipple clamps
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