just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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