so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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