I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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