So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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