Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
