yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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