Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
