just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
