I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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