I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
