I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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