is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
