OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
