There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
