Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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