Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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