just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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