I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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