I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
