I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The power of my boobs compel you
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
