If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
