Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
