I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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