i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
