My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
