Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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