Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im six kinds of drunk right now
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
