Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
