i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
