he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
zippers are such a cool invention
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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